Saturday, December 31, 2011

What! You think I should change!

With the New Year approaching, you are probably thinking of ways to enhance your existence. Every year people around the world make Resolutions. So what is resolution? In this case, it is essentially a promise to oneself to do and be better: eat more healthfully; get more exercise; stop killing kittens; quit smoking; learn to make the violin strings.

Because we are Survivors, thinking about the future and any New Year’s Resolutions should include planning for the lack of a pleasant future. These plans, goals, or resolutions do not have to focus solely on the Apocalypse: not all non-apocalyptic futures are pleasant.

Fortunately, planning for the Apocalypse and trying to avoid having an unpleasant year are not mutually exclusive. Resolutions you make can easily concern the possibility of having to survive an apocalypse, avoiding and unpleasant future, and enhancing your current existence. In fact, if properly applied, many of the items on most people’s lists can aid in all these endeavors.

Eat Better
Improving your diet by avoiding foods that are bad for you (e.g. – fast food, high cholesterol vittles, anything with an ingredient list resembling the periodic table) will improve your overall health and increase your alertness. I am not going to lie and say I know how this works. I don’t; I’m not a medical professional. However, I do know it works. Science has proven that the fuel we choose for our bodies has an immense effect on how well our bodies and minds work.

Get More Exercise
Exercise, like eating well, has awesome health benefits. It boosts the metabolism, aids in weight loss, builds muscle, improves stamina, and helps you sleep better. All these benefits will improve your present life; help you avoid unpleasantries like illness as well as aches and pains; and give you the physical abilities to evade and eventually destroy the Robot Army of Impending Doom.

And despite what some people may tell you, getting exercise does not mean joining a gym and pretending to be a hamster. Don’t get me wrong: treadmills are great if I can’t get any other exercise. I, however, prefer kickboxing. I hear some people go outside and run. Others kayak. Still others play organized sports. Whatever you do, it doesn’t really matter so long as you are moving, you get your heart rate up, and break a sweat.

Stop Killing Kittens
Get professional help.

Quit Smoking
Quitting smoking is hard. You may want to look into getting professional help for this one too. Smoking cessation is difficult and while some people can do it without help, others cannot. Survivors get help when we need it.

Stopping smoking will improve your health. Breathing will become easier. You will sleep better. You won’t become fatigued as easily. All in all, breaking this bad habit will make your current life better and give you a much higher chance of out running a swarm of mutant bees.

Learn to Make Violin Strings
Look into synthetics.

Eating better is one of those resolutions that shows up on my list every year. For a couple of weeks I do great. I eat salad every day and grilled chicken and avoid simple carbohydrates and do all the other things I know consist of eating healthfully. But the reason it’s on there every year is that I only maintain it for a couple of weeks, then I have a Bad Day and everything falls apart and I stop even trying.

This is bad. We do not quit just because things got a little rough. Victims do that. The girls who run from axe murders in a negligee and heels screaming the whole time until she falls down, whimpers, gets up, falls down again, then waits there crying more loudly than anyone should be able to covered in her own snot for the bad guy to hack her to bits are the ones who quit. F’ that. We are the ones who think ahead and put on f'ing pants and running shoes and stop the baddy!

So in addition to any resolution I make this year, I am keeping in mind that I am a Survivor – capital letter deserved – and I do not give up. Despite that antiquated and asinine cliché, one bad apple does not spoil the bunch. Nor does one Bad Day – nay! remove the capitals – bad day, ruin the year.

What are your New Year Resolutions and how will they affect your life and survival? Tell us in the comments!

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ho, Ho, Hold your weapons!

The holidays are upon us. While this time of year tends to be joyous (or so I am told), there is no guarantee that the Apocalypse won't happen now. Try to structure your festivities, feasts, and frolicking so that you and your loved ones have the best chance for survival should Robot Santa attack.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Being sick is never fun. At best, you get a little stuffed up and that’s it. However, during and after an apocalypse getting sick could be devastating. By their very natures, germs spread: your whole intrepid band of survivors could become ill! That is nothing to sneeze at.

Some Hollywood productions would have us believe that the microbes and bacteria we encounter every day are powerful enough to fell super-beings who descended from the heavens! While, from a purely scientific standpoint, this may be true, there is nothing to say that the germs the aliens bring wouldn’t decimate Earth’s population. After all, the aliens would be Earth’s Conquistadors (think Spaniards and Aztecs).

It’s a no brainer that staying healthy is your best bet. Being sick is so not cute and it could be life threatening (especially when there are hulking beasts made of keratin, goo, and mandibles to contend with).

So what should you do to fortify your delicate fleshy immune system?

Friday, December 2, 2011

I whip my hair back and forth!

Sigourney Weaver in Alien (1979)
As we know, hair is important. I don't know about you, but I spend a ridiculous amount time and money on those dead cells that cascade in waves away from my scalp. I wash, condition, dry, condition (my hair is very dry), style, and primp it. Sometimes I bleach (for shame!) and dye it. And besides looking awesome, hair helps to hold in heat and do other important stuff.

But what would happen if sentient pigs attacked tomorrow? Would my long locks be a boon or a detriment?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

You Talkin to Me!

Before you strut on the Survivalist Runway, you’ll need to get the basics down pat. You'll need skills that you can practice and build upon.

Time to learn your ABC’s.

A: Attitude 
Despite the popular image of the psychopath who cannot control himself, most bad guys are not irrational wackos who lash out at random. In fact, most attackers watch for potential victims. They spend time keeping an eye on people who look like they might be easy marks. Whether you are walking down the street on a normal, pre-apocalypse Saturday night or storming Cathlhu’s castle, acting like a victim is going to make you a victim.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Ant or Grasshopper? Choose well…

In my last post I talked about New England weather and how changeable it is. In fact, I referred to it as a fickle bitch. As if trying to prove my point, the weather turned nasty this past weekend and beat the Northeastern seaboard with a freak October snow storm. Today, we had a high of about 55° Fahrenheit.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Neutrals? You're kidding, right?

With the cold weather coming with its whipping, freezing rains, this is probably a good time to discuss proper autumn clothing.

Every year as the temperature drops and anthropomorphized seasonal forces take up arms against us humans some poor schlep dies because she didn’t know how to dress. Dressing well for the weather is one of the easiest survival skills a girl can learn. And, she can look totally cute doing it.

That Rainy Pre-Winter In New England at least, the difference between fall and winter is less a matter of temperature and more a matter of consistency.

Yes, winter is colder, but it is also consistently cold. Autumn is a fickle bitch who likes to play games. Sometimes she’s hot and steamy and makes you want to take all your clothes off. Sometimes she is so cold and blustery she makes you yearn for almost any other season. Some days the temperature reaches the high seventies or low eighties only to plummet into the fifties or even the forties that evening. And I’m talking Fahrenheit here: water freezes at thirty-two degrees.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Survivor's Toolbox: Kickboxing

In the last few weeks I have been seriously trying to get back into shape that cannot be described as obtuse or heptagonal. In pursuit of this goal, I decided to try kickboxing.

The following is completely subjective and deals specifically with my personal experiences.

This shit is no joke.

Every class starts with a series of calisthenics: running, sit-ups, push-ups, core training exercises. Basically, the first half of the hour long class is intended to build and strengthen muscles. About three minutes in to class, I start to sweat.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Shyeah, as if!

Tentacle faced aliens have invaded the planet and enslaved your loved ones. You, a few ragtag men and women, and your elderly schnauzer have managed to escape.

from i09
As you lay in wait in the wilderness that was once a vast and majestic city, you stew. You sit and think about those Cthulhu looking bastards sitting up in your city hall making your friends and family do their bidding and give in to their every twisted demand. You fume. More than anything, you want to rush into the build with a machete in hand and start slitting scaly throats.

Your pride screams, “Go! Run into the fray! Take those bastards down!”

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Discretion is Advised.

You are walking down a dimly lit street in a dangerous section of town. The windows of the tenements you pass are broken or boarded up. Occasionally, you hear muttering. You cannot tell which direction to avoid: the sound is all around you. Cars that have been stripped and burned litter the street. Just outside the broken down door of a building that was once a house lays a blood stained mattress.

In your pocket you have seven one hundred dollar bills and several twenties. You are wearing a gold Rolex. The ring on the hand in your pocket has a diamond John D. Rockefeller wouldn’t have been able to afford. Your shoes are Jimmy Choo. Your bag, Louis Vuitton.

Knowing that you are in a bad neighborhood and that you have far more valuables on you than really necessary, would you start skipping and singing “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

What is courage?

Courage is difficult to pin down. It’s a quality that is not independent of itself. One can only demonstrate her capacity for courage when the time comes to prove herself. In other words, courage cannot exist in a vacuum.

So how does one prove herself courageous before the horde of zombie turkeys rise up from their Thanksgiving tables to feast on their cooks?

There are at least a million ways to prove one’s capacity for bravery. You don’t have to go sky diving or white water rafting over waterfalls or base jumping or bull fighting or do any of the adrenalin rattled things people do to prove themselves or for the endorphin high.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Girl, You Know Dem Queens is Survivors!

After having watched a few seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race and of Drag U, I came to an important conclusion. Drag Queens will survive the Apocalypse regardless of its form.

Jujubee in RuPaul's Drag Race
No, seriously. Hear me out.

On Drag Race the girls compete to see who will win the competition a la [insert reality competition show here]. On Drag U they help biological women rediscover their femininity and compete to see who gets her va-jay-jay back most completely. This is not exactly ground-breaking stuff. However, the way they see the world is.

Each contestant has to demonstrate her Creativity, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. How does that translate into a survival skill set?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Who Falls if the Bow Breaks?

We have talked about the need to take some time out during the apocalypse to gather yourself and rest. This is an important life saving skill both in and out of apocalypse situations. Related is the need to take some time out during an immediately intense situation to regroup.

Tensions run high. Generally, it's what they do. When tensions aren't running high, they are often running just under the surface waiting for loose ground that will fall away at their rapid approach making them quite high indeed. When that happens, when the proverbial sink hole opens up and you find yourself in The Waters of Tension that are deeper than you are tall, flailing and screaming will accomplish nothing. Well, except expertly drowning you.

Those few precious seconds are the time to step back and assess the situation.

You are in a forest. It is a deep dark forest. Night has fallen. Your band of intrepid survivors is the tension in the string of a bow ready to release its arrow or snap under pressure. Someone steps on a twig. The others turn incensed. Right now, at this very moment, is the when you will have to make The Decision. Will the bow break or will the arrow fly?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Keep Your Friends Closer

Okay, let’s assess. What have we got ready to go to aid our survival in the End of Times?
  • Bug-Out-Bag – check
  • Arsenal – check
  • Grip on ourselves – check
  • Fortress – check
  • No nonsense hard-line attitude with a bit of compassion thrown in – check
  • Things to barter – check
  • Support system – eh, support system?

What do you mean you forgot the support system! All the tools and tricks and skills are great, but somewhat meaningless if you don’t have a support system. No, no, they aren’t the support system. They are just the things you use to get through the hard times. Your support system is the people who help you get through those times.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Recreation in Times of Desperation

The world is ending. The electricity has gone out. Batteries are scarce. And you are bored out of your ever loving mind.

There is no internet. No consoles. Batteries are too rare and needed too much for flashlights to use in a handheld system. No CD players. No MP3s. No Nooks, Kindles, or Whathaveyous. TV? No. OMG, the world is…wait. Right.

Seriously though: what the hell are you going to do?

Friday, July 22, 2011

Flash Fiction: Twinkle Twinkle

Merkez had always known that he would see the end of the world. No fortune teller nor soothsayer nor bones thrower had told him. None had had to. He’d just known.

However, he had always rather thought it would be, well, more exciting. His whole life he had prepared himself for the inevitable invasion of aliens, meteors falling from the sky, war of wars and all the other horrors his demented little brain could think up.

But it didn’t happen that way at all.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Recycle? Are you kidding? I want EVERYTHING New!

Lately it seems that everyone is recycling. More and more companies around the globe are Going Green every day. Admittedly, some are probably just re-branding themselves without changing a gosh darned thing, but most are at least making a real effort. No matter how large or how small or what the motivation, they are trying.

Northern Rat Flea
So what? Since the Apocalypse is inevitable, recycling sort of seems like a waste of time and energy. Who cares what state the Earth is in in 100 years? Either we’ll all be dead or enslaved by giant rats who are themselves controlled by giant diseased fleas from outer space. And don’t go thinking that those outer space blood suckers will be kind masters who love their obedient slaves.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Should You Keep Pets Post Apocalypse?

If you are like me, you have pets and love them dearly. But when that End of Ends happens, what will happen to them?

I’m not talking about who will take care of them. There are services that employ certified Atheists who are more than willing to take care of our pets – for a fee – after the Rapture. You know, if we were going to get raptured that is (especially since it keeps getting rescheduled).

When the skies open and Jupitarian Octomonkeys descend upon our unsuspecting world, should we keep our beloved furry family members with us or not? They are cute, cuddly, comforts now. But what will happen when the Octomonkeys attack?

To properly assess our options, we should look at this in regards to pros and cons.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Know Your Fiend!

When preparing for an event of apocalyptic proportions, you cannot help but be a little under prepared. Sorry: thus is the nature of preparing for an apocalypse: there will always be a number of unknown variables. Therefore, things are bound to be a bit fuzzy on the preparation front.

So what can you do?

Read. Watch movies. Inundate your delicately spicy gray matter with information and scenarios! Know your possible enemies.

Question: How does one kill a zombie? They're already dead!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Could the Seven Deadly Sins Aid in Your Survival?

Not long ago we talked about how the Seven Deadly Sins could impede your success at surviving the apocalypse. After publishing that post, I got to thinking: are there situations where the Seven Deadly Sins could actually help you survive?

Since an important part of being a successful survivor is looking at possible obstacles and making them work for you, this deserves a good long look.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Trade You Two Chickens, a Rooster, and Hollandaise Mix for Your Hatchet, Frying Pan, and Saucier

From Time Magazine Online
In the wake of the current world economic client, you might be tempted to buy into something with intrinsic value. Something with worth that, for all intents and purposes, never flags. You might be tempted by the current Gold Rush.

I admit that the shiny metal does seem to have a certain something that makes it desirable as currency. With inflation and the deflating worth of fiat currency, procuring precious and semi-precious metals may seem the best solution. While you’re at it, you may want to get your hands on some precious stones like rubies, emeralds, and sapphires.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Survivor's Toolbox: Pen vs. Pencil

If you’re like me, you treasure your memories and try to learn from them. Unfortunately, you also have a crap memory and need to somehow record what you have experienced. Additionally, you have a crap sense of time. Oh, and electronics sometimes fail on you. Unexpectedly and for no apparent reason.

From Books Like Stars
For the purposes of this review, we will assume that electricity will fail in the face of an apocalypse. Okay, now that we’ve agreed that any sort of electronic recording device will be of as much use as…well, anything else electronic.

Without electronics, how are we supposed to record what's happening and warn future generations of the perils they face? We'll have to go low tech. Let’s look at two oft overlooked survival devices: the pen and pencil.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Zombies in Boston!

Don't let their generally congenial appearance fool you. These zombies meant business!

I began yesterday's trek at South Station in Boston. As I walked the streets - following a trail of blood left by the fiends - I came across the following:
Abandoned fancy shoe

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The US Government is Prepared for the Zombpocalypse? Srsly?

From the CDC
Despite the condescending and dismissive language some of the document sports, I am glad to know that the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention is trying to help people prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse. Sure, the whole point of the document's zombie angle is to get people to take notice of the CDC and how they serve US communities, but that does not detract from the legitimacy of their information.

Among other suggestions, the CDC advocates creating a Go-Bag and determining a Survival Center. The post also gives a brief history of zombies and their different traits, advises the reader to prepare for regionally specific disasters, and suggests compiling a list of emergency contacts.

They rightly note that information about how to survive a zombie apocalypse could come in handy during a tornado, tsunami, or other natural disaster.

If you haven't already, check out the CDC's article "Social Media: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." Let us know what they got right, what they missed, and what needs elaboration.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Apocalypse Now?

We have recently learned that the Rapture will be coming sooner rather than later. According to Harold Egbert Camping, this summoning of mythical proportions is slated for Saturday, 21 May 2011. Previously, Mr. Camping predicted a similar end of the world scenario. It was to have happened on 6 September 1994. To the best of my knowledge, it did not.

From Wikipedia
The Rapture itself, according to Christian enthusiasts, is not something to be feared (unless you are not virtuous and not Christian). It is the time when God will call all those alive and asleep (pronounced: dead) to him in Heaven. The pious will be called forth. The rest will burn in Hell for all Eternity.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

You are sitting on your couch with your best friend. The nice cup of tea you poured just before turning on the TV is growing cold. A somberly dressed man on television tells you not to leave your house. He says not to try to reach family and friends. He tells you that the best course of action is to stay inside with the doors and windows secured.

Is this advice good or bad?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Take Ol' Yeller Out Back

When a friend or confidant falls in the heat of battle, properly dispatching her can be a vicious challenge. A vortex of dark emotions swirls around you drowning you in your own humanity. Meanwhile, back on the physical plane, outside of your head, Grandma shambles toward you her lips pursed as though for a wet kiss on the forehead. As she exhales the last breath she drew while alive, she moans, “braaaiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssssssssssssssssssssss.”

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Survivor's Toolbox: Duct Tape

During and after an apocalypse, things will fall apart. Heck, things fall apart now and we just have to deal with normal, every day entropy. Some items will be easy to fix. Others will be more complex. You will need a tool that can handle anything you throw at it.

I present Duct Tape.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Could the Seven Deadly Sins Stop You from Surviving?

From Hunting for Big Sales with Tom Searcy
In the Christian tradition, there are seven sins to be avoided at all cost. These sins guarantee a one-way ticket to Hell. But when you are living Hell how can avoiding these taboos help you survive?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hey, Let's Go to the Winchester! Whose Funking Idea Was That?

A recent i09 article pointed out the distinct lack of strong female role models in zombie films and fiction. The article notes that Shaun of Shaun of the Dead couldn’t even handle making dinner reservations, yet he is the leader and eventual hero.

While the movie is called Shaun of the Dead and Shaun does pull through, Liz could have made a better leader. After all, she started out with skills Shaun simply didn’t have – like being able to handle simple tasks.

Have you ever wondered what the movie would have been like had Liz been in charge? I doubt that the body count would have been higher: almost Shaun’s entire party was eaten, infected, or disemboweled. Including his mother. I'd bet they wish Liz had been the heading things up.

What traits do you need to be a great leader?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kick Rocks!

When the struggle began, you thought all was lost. Most of your friends and family were gone. Then, you and a number of others happened upon each other. You formed a bond in your fear and your need to survive The Invasion.

Your band consists of a few diligent people who want to survive. They know that working together, following instruction, and generally being a well-oiled unit is the best way to survive. Then, there’s Ginny. She’s loud, ornery, and frightened. The more frightened she becomes, the louder she is and the more attention she draws.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Shopping spree?

The world has ostensibly ended. You are living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare. While scavenging for food and clothing and trying to avoid being flayed alive by robotic tennis balls of doom, you discover a corpse wearing the most gorgeous diamond and pearl necklace you have ever seen.

The woman is lying on her back holding two small children – both of whom are also long passed on – and a note is on her chest. Because you read the note you know that this is the place Mother chose as the resting place for her and her children because it was a place of fun and safety. You realize you are essentially standing in their own personal cemetery.

Do you take the necklace?

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Who you callin' zombie fodder Willis?

We face tough decisions every day. Prada or Louis Vuitton? Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik? Mac or Lancôme? Ulta or Sephora? Saks Fifth Avenue or Nordstrom?

Every apocalypse comes with tough decisions that must be made. Choosing both (Saks and Nordstrom!) may never be possible. You may find yourself caught, forced to choose between two equally unsavory options without any alternatives.

If you find yourself leading a group of would-be survivors into the fray, how do you decide who is or is not expendable?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Circus Performers Will Be All Set

I love my little sedan. She’s fast and sleek (for a sedan). She gets me to and fro. She’s economical on fuel. I have gotten into a few scrapes and tight spots with her, but would she really do as transport during an apocalypse?

Transportation is a major day-to-day concern. However, in order to get from point A to point B and avoid being eaten alive by giant rabid rats you will need to be able to handle any reliable and fuel efficient vehicle that can help you avoid those buck toothed rodents of doom.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Nothing as Apocalyptic Allegory

If you have not seen The Neverending Story, you may not want to proceed. This article is about the movie, its themes, and how they apply to survival.

In The Neverending Story, a young boy named Sebastian is told by his father to get his head out of the clouds and to plant his feet firmly on the ground. When he leaves for school, bullies chase Sebastian into a bookstore. Here he finds a book bound in red leather with a mysterious gilded symbol on its front cover. Sebastian steals the book and takes it to school where he hides in the attic to read.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why Would You Survive?

While we have talked a lot about how to survive, we haven't yet talked about why you would survive. What is so important that you would fight dragons, climb mountains, and drown killer space fish just to come through alive?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The only thing we have to fear is--OMG is that a spider!

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, “So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Roosevelt's Inaugural Speech about change, restructuring the economics system, and defeating The Great Depression is still inspirational. However, I am sure that during an apocalypse, that iconic line will not ring true. Fear will lie around every corner and under every bed. It will lurk in the night sky itself. To survive, you’ll need to identify the legitimate reasons for fear and weed out the illegitimate ones.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Ukulele! Defnintely the Ukulele!

On a gorgeous spring day, you take the day off from work. You stay home to get some Spring Cleaning accomplished while your family is at work and school and effectively out of the way.

After a lovely breakfast, you clear your dishes and wash them by hand as you gaze out the window onto your sun drenched back lawn. As you watch rabbit nibble some grass, you daydream about warmer mornings when you can take your breakfast on the patio.

A noise disturbs your pleasant revelry. It’s not loud, but something about it alerts you to danger. You turn and find nothing there.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Uzi or Ukulele?

Choosing the right weapon is like choosing the right shoe. You have to take a number of factors into account. Where will you be? What is the terrain like? How close or far will you be from whomever will experience said weapon? Will you be running?

If you are in the woods running from a mad axeman, wearing your Jimmy Choo strappy sandals is not a great idea. Not only are you going to ruin that signature shoe, but you are apt to break an ankle. Similarly, if you are being chased by a mad axeman, when you have to fight back, you’ll want a weapon on hand. It will have to be easily transported and usable at a safe distance.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Turn Your Every Day Arsenal into an Actual Arsenal

One of the most important resources any woman can have in her Go Bag is her arsenal. On a daily basis, in non-apocalyptic settings, the arsenal is as varied as the woman who wields it.

While a given situation determines the weapons, there will be overlap. A night out: keys, a nail file or emery board, polish, small clippers, hair spray, a brush or comb, lip gloss, cash, an ID, and cleavage. A day at the office: keys, nail file or emery board, polish, nail clippers, hair spray, a brush or comb, lip gloss, cash, laptop, and ID badge.

The clever woman will use this overlap to her advantage.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Ladies’ Guide to an Ultra Chic Bug-Out-Bag

Photo courtesy of Kaitlyn
Regardless of what you are surviving, be it an average day at the office or The End of Days, a huge part of the equation is preparation. In previous articles we’ve discussed the benefits of being fit and knowing your food options as preparation for The Worst. In this article we will discuss the Bug-Out-Bag, its essential ingredients, and how to make it as chic as it is durable.

Every woman has her Every Day Bag. In it she usually keeps essential items: lip gloss, pen(s), paper, pads, tampons, gift cards, mints, wallet, ID, antibacterial lotion, a lighter, camera and accessories, checkbook, tweezers, snacks, keys, change, and bills. Sometimes she keeps less than essential items: pair of socks, 1 ½ pair of gloves, drink mix packets, extra lighters, deodorant, extra tweezers, a book, and perfume. Of course the necessity of any of these items can be debated. Does one need mints more or less than perfume?

The deciding factor is the lady’s individual tastes and demands.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

How Doesn't a Lady Cope with Anypocalypse?

Relaxing and taking a break are essential to survival.  However, one needs to be smart about how she takes a break.

Sitting down with a friend to have a cup of tea or a Cornetto is perfect.  Sitting down with a friend to smoke a fatty probably isn't the best of ideas.  I'm not condemning nor am I condoning the use of recreational drugs.  But I know that staying clear headed is one of my best defenses.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How Does a Lady Cope with Anypocalypse?

With panache of course! She is a voluptuous beacon of hope in an unruly sea of discord! She is her group’s anchor.

However, since she is human she needs down time – especially in a prolonged crisis situation – some kind of stress relief is required. So, how does one cope?

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Importance of Being Fit during Anypocalypse

Of course being fit is important in general, but during an apocalypse, it’s paramount.  How are you going to run from the undead when you are dragging around extra poundage?  You may as well have one of the zeds riding your back.  How will you hide from carnivorous alien clowns when your wheezing sounds like a tire feverishly losing air?  No one can hide when she breathes like a creeper.

Before we get into the thick of things, let’s talk about what I do and do not mean by fit.

I’m not talking about being a female body builder.  Survival isn't about having the biggest muscles or the fastest sprint (although both may help).

It's about endurance.  And it's about being able to do pull-ups.  Being able to hoist your own weight to safety could save your life!

The goal of this article is to help you learn how to improve your chances of survival before disaster strikes while still living a normal life.

What are the benefits of being fit during anypocalypse?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

How Does a Lady Survive a Snowpocalyptic Winter?

Under the best circumstances, winter is inconvenient in many places. The further north (or south, depending on your hemisphere), the more inconvenient the weather. But what if that weather were more than just inconvenient? What if places that normally don’t get snow did?

How would you survive a snowpocalyptic winter?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Food Options in the Rural Market

Rural areas of the world offer some distinct drawbacks to feeding oneself during Anypocalypse. Shops, if there are any, are far apart at best. They will be General Stores of the most grotesquely quaint flavor. The chances of finding a nice beluga caviar to enjoy while defending your unborn child from carnivorous fish from outer space are slim.

However, rural areas tend to have a few distinct advantages that urban and suburban areas do not.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Food Options for the "Civilized" Woman

Fast Food:  Avoid burger joints if you are looking for healthful food that will give you sustainable energy.  It’s the rare burger bar that offers any truly healthy choices.  For example, even the salads on McDonald’s menu contain sugar.  About the only items on the menu that don’t are Diet Coke®, bottled water, and french fries.

Don’t overlook items like bottled water that are on some chains menus.  Skip the so-called fresh fruit.  It’s really just candy in fruits’ clothing.

Eating Well While on the Run

Every apocalypse comes with its own set of problems and pit-falls, but they all have one in common: poor diet.

We all know that everyday living requires exercise and a good diet.  Well, when you are running from the zombie horde, trying to evade Nosferatu, or holding onto Buddha’s toe to keep from being swept away by a tsunami, you’ve got exercise covered.  Seriously, exercise doesn’t get much more covered than wrangling scientifically engineered ants.

But what about diet?

Really.  Will you eat well?  Or will you dumpster dive for a tossed away McDonald’s food-like item that was pitched into the bin Lord only knows how long ago?  If it’s not the Rapture you are facing, the Lord is not going to be around to answer questions regarding expiration dates.

Back away from the garbage and look around.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Welcome to the Ladies' Guide to Surviving Anypocalypse!

Hello ladies,

As you have divined from the blog title, we are concerned with surviving any sort of apocalypse.  Zombpocalypse?  We’re good.  Vampocalypse?  Ditto.  Snowpocalypse? Seriously: we’re from New England! 

At first, we’ll publish posts (and follow ups) about the –pocalypses that seem to be most in demand.  However, we want to give you information that you want.  That you needComment, e-mail, post: let us know what kind of –pocalypse’s ass you feel needs kicking!

As you have also noticed from the blog title, this is lady-centric.  In other words,  we will take items that are traditionally considered female trappings and apply them to some serious survival!  (Of course, the men out there who are secure enough to admit that they use such items are welcome to our expertise as well.  After all, we’ll need both sexes to repopulate.)

While the bulk of articles and posts deal with surviving specific types of apocalypse using decidedly feminine tools, some articles will be more general.  They will deal with skills all survivors of anypocalypse should have.

This is your blog too: make it better by telling us what you want to know about!  Do you think that we've overlooked a valuable tool for decimating the zombie masses?  Let us know!  Have we glossed over particular uses of nail lacquer?  Tell us!