Saturday, December 31, 2011

What! You think I should change!

With the New Year approaching, you are probably thinking of ways to enhance your existence. Every year people around the world make Resolutions. So what is resolution? In this case, it is essentially a promise to oneself to do and be better: eat more healthfully; get more exercise; stop killing kittens; quit smoking; learn to make the violin strings.

Because we are Survivors, thinking about the future and any New Year’s Resolutions should include planning for the lack of a pleasant future. These plans, goals, or resolutions do not have to focus solely on the Apocalypse: not all non-apocalyptic futures are pleasant.

Fortunately, planning for the Apocalypse and trying to avoid having an unpleasant year are not mutually exclusive. Resolutions you make can easily concern the possibility of having to survive an apocalypse, avoiding and unpleasant future, and enhancing your current existence. In fact, if properly applied, many of the items on most people’s lists can aid in all these endeavors.

Eat Better
Improving your diet by avoiding foods that are bad for you (e.g. – fast food, high cholesterol vittles, anything with an ingredient list resembling the periodic table) will improve your overall health and increase your alertness. I am not going to lie and say I know how this works. I don’t; I’m not a medical professional. However, I do know it works. Science has proven that the fuel we choose for our bodies has an immense effect on how well our bodies and minds work.

Get More Exercise
Exercise, like eating well, has awesome health benefits. It boosts the metabolism, aids in weight loss, builds muscle, improves stamina, and helps you sleep better. All these benefits will improve your present life; help you avoid unpleasantries like illness as well as aches and pains; and give you the physical abilities to evade and eventually destroy the Robot Army of Impending Doom.

And despite what some people may tell you, getting exercise does not mean joining a gym and pretending to be a hamster. Don’t get me wrong: treadmills are great if I can’t get any other exercise. I, however, prefer kickboxing. I hear some people go outside and run. Others kayak. Still others play organized sports. Whatever you do, it doesn’t really matter so long as you are moving, you get your heart rate up, and break a sweat.

Stop Killing Kittens
Get professional help.

Quit Smoking
Quitting smoking is hard. You may want to look into getting professional help for this one too. Smoking cessation is difficult and while some people can do it without help, others cannot. Survivors get help when we need it.

Stopping smoking will improve your health. Breathing will become easier. You will sleep better. You won’t become fatigued as easily. All in all, breaking this bad habit will make your current life better and give you a much higher chance of out running a swarm of mutant bees.

Learn to Make Violin Strings
Look into synthetics.

Eating better is one of those resolutions that shows up on my list every year. For a couple of weeks I do great. I eat salad every day and grilled chicken and avoid simple carbohydrates and do all the other things I know consist of eating healthfully. But the reason it’s on there every year is that I only maintain it for a couple of weeks, then I have a Bad Day and everything falls apart and I stop even trying.

This is bad. We do not quit just because things got a little rough. Victims do that. The girls who run from axe murders in a negligee and heels screaming the whole time until she falls down, whimpers, gets up, falls down again, then waits there crying more loudly than anyone should be able to covered in her own snot for the bad guy to hack her to bits are the ones who quit. F’ that. We are the ones who think ahead and put on f'ing pants and running shoes and stop the baddy!

So in addition to any resolution I make this year, I am keeping in mind that I am a Survivor Рcapital letter deserved Рand I do not give up. Despite that antiquated and asinine clich̩, one bad apple does not spoil the bunch. Nor does one Bad Day Рnay! remove the capitals Рbad day, ruin the year.

What are your New Year Resolutions and how will they affect your life and survival? Tell us in the comments!

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ho, Ho, Hold your weapons!

The holidays are upon us. While this time of year tends to be joyous (or so I am told), there is no guarantee that the Apocalypse won't happen now. Try to structure your festivities, feasts, and frolicking so that you and your loved ones have the best chance for survival should Robot Santa attack.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Being sick is never fun. At best, you get a little stuffed up and that’s it. However, during and after an apocalypse getting sick could be devastating. By their very natures, germs spread: your whole intrepid band of survivors could become ill! That is nothing to sneeze at.

Some Hollywood productions would have us believe that the microbes and bacteria we encounter every day are powerful enough to fell super-beings who descended from the heavens! While, from a purely scientific standpoint, this may be true, there is nothing to say that the germs the aliens bring wouldn’t decimate Earth’s population. After all, the aliens would be Earth’s Conquistadors (think Spaniards and Aztecs).

It’s a no brainer that staying healthy is your best bet. Being sick is so not cute and it could be life threatening (especially when there are hulking beasts made of keratin, goo, and mandibles to contend with).

So what should you do to fortify your delicate fleshy immune system?

Friday, December 2, 2011

I whip my hair back and forth!

Sigourney Weaver in Alien (1979)
As we know, hair is important. I don't know about you, but I spend a ridiculous amount time and money on those dead cells that cascade in waves away from my scalp. I wash, condition, dry, condition (my hair is very dry), style, and primp it. Sometimes I bleach (for shame!) and dye it. And besides looking awesome, hair helps to hold in heat and do other important stuff.

But what would happen if sentient pigs attacked tomorrow? Would my long locks be a boon or a detriment?