Friday, December 2, 2011

I whip my hair back and forth!

Sigourney Weaver in Alien (1979)
As we know, hair is important. I don't know about you, but I spend a ridiculous amount time and money on those dead cells that cascade in waves away from my scalp. I wash, condition, dry, condition (my hair is very dry), style, and primp it. Sometimes I bleach (for shame!) and dye it. And besides looking awesome, hair helps to hold in heat and do other important stuff.

But what would happen if sentient pigs attacked tomorrow? Would my long locks be a boon or a detriment?

Personally, I love long hair! It may be more difficult to maintain, but the number of possible styles really just offsets that difficulty. Wear it up. Wear it down. Wear it somewhere in between. Change styles throughout the day!

Just don't get caught by it. The downside of long hair in an apocalyptic situation is the flip side of one of its benefits. Hair is an extension of the body. Despite being made of essentially dead cells, hair extends your ability to feel away from the surface of the skin sort of like a cat's whiskers. Because it extends away from the body, the longer it is the more chance the enemy has to grab you by it.

The solution? Shorter hair would work of course, but I would prefer to explore hair styles instead of hacking away at my glorious mane.

Wearing your hair long and flowing can be glorious. Letting it catch in the wind and blow around can be extraordinarily freeing. However, long flowing hair gets in the face and the eyes. It obstructs the view. It makes you vulnerable.

The night is dark; there is no moon. Heavy rain beats against you. It mattes down your clothes. It sticks your hair to your face. Wind whips at you. No matter how you try, your hair will not stay out of your face. You cannot see. Unwittingly, you walk into a porcine slaughter house.

The Ponytail/Braid
While pulling the hair back into a ponytail or a braid will keep it out of your face and out of your eyes, it has a major drawback. By going with this do you are essentially giving the enemy a handle! Ponytails are convenient, but they can be dangerous. Also, tying them too tightly can give you a headache which you so do not need when you are fighting off rebellious farm animals.

I know! The bun seems like a wicked old lady do. But it is a great hair style for survival. Putting you hair up in a bun allows you to continue to have long hair; it doesn't allow hair to get in your way in the field; it does not extend far from the body so it cannot be used as a handle. The bun has a certain almost taboo sex appeal. If the human conspirators to Orwell's nightmare capture you, the bun will not preclude any attempt at escape.

Sigourney Weaver in Alien3 (1992)
Short hair is probably the best survival bet. It does not need as much care, does not extend as far away from the body, and will be cooler on hot days spent running from pigs. There are a variety of styles available for short hair as well. Updos are more or less out of the question though depending on how short short is.

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