I’m not talking about who will take care of them. There are services that employ certified Atheists who are more than willing to take care of our pets – for a fee – after the Rapture. You know, if we were going to get raptured that is (especially since it keeps getting rescheduled).
When the skies open and Jupitarian Octomonkeys descend upon our unsuspecting world, should we keep our beloved furry family members with us or not? They are cute, cuddly, comforts now. But what will happen when the Octomonkeys attack?
To properly assess our options, we should look at this in regards to pros and cons.
In the dark of night, when hiding from the Jupitarian Overlords of Many Arms, having someone nearby will help alleviate the stress and fear. The closer you were in your old life to whoever is with you, the more her presence will be a comfort. If your companion is a pet, you get the benefit of unconditional love. Oh, and they lower our blood pressure.
Con: Another Mouth to Feed
You were sleeping soundly, dreaming of running naked through a forest with your hair tied in plaits while you hunted for antelope with a bow and arrow, when suddenly bright lights flooded your third floor bedroom window. A succession of loud booms! shook your apartment knocking over books, candles, lamps, and anything that was not secured to the floor. Sherpa was terrified.
You and your dog had hardly escaped from the building when it crashed to the ground. After many days of running blindly from the Octomonkeys and hiding wherever you could find shelter, you and Sherpa are hungry and tired. The dog – no longer your little baby-waby – couldn’t be less well named. She cannot find a morsel of food for herself, but has no problem begging at your heels for your food.
How are you supposed to feed that dirty little cur when you can barely feed yourself?
You and your dog have been together for years. She knows that you are the alpha, but she also knows that this is a matter of will more than strength. You are cunning, but she has jaws and teeth that were designed to rend flesh.
When another animal, or person, attacks your beloved Sherpa will be there fighting with you. She will protect you at all costs. She will run into the fray, teeth bared, growling in the back of her throat. As she approaches the predator, the growl will explode into a fury of barking. She will launch herself at the enemy and attack with the same determination she showed when trying to cajole you into giving her treats just a week ago in your tiny but comfortable apartment.
Con: She May Eat You
You and your dog have been together for years. She knows that you are the alpha, but she also knows that this is a matter of will more than strength. You are cunning, but she has jaws and teeth that were designed to rend flesh. You have opposable thumbs, but she has speed and incredibly sensitive senses.
When another animal, or person, attacks your beloved Sherpa will be there fighting with you. She will protect you at all costs – until she becomes so hungry that the natural order of things falls away in the face of her need. She will run at you, teeth bared, growling in the back of her throat. As she approaches, the growl will explode into a fury of barking. She will launch herself at you and attack with the same determination she showed when trying to protect her food bowl from an unfamiliar dog.
Pro: Better Senses than Yours
Your pet’s eyes and ears are well-designed instruments. They rival the sensitive equipment employed in ships and by police. Why do you think police have cadaver dogs? Because they can smell out the dead things and tell the difference between this dead thing and that dead thing. Dogs can use their sharp vision and keen sense of smell to find living things or newly dead things. They can tell by smelling which plants are safe to eat and which are not.
They can search for food and know what is safe, what is poisonous, and what is too far decomposed to attempt to eat.
|You're looking quite delicious today, aren't you?|
If the animal decides you are food, there will be no place to hide.
So what do you do? Should you keep your beloved family pet or ditch it when the Octomonkeys descend from the skies and make their presence known in a big and fiery fashion?
The Pros and Cons are fairly even here. Look at your pet. Assess its size and shape and appetite. Then think
on its temperament. I have a Jack Russell and a cat. The dog is useless for protection, but sweet enough as company. The same goes for the cat. I wouldn’t keep either on a lead. They can follow me or not as they will. I will of course help them out of the house and be kind to them if they follow. But I won’t make the mistake of thinking them unconditionally loyal forever. And they shouldn’t make the same mistake regarding me.
Pro: Pets are made of meat.
Tell us in the comments what you will do! What other Pros and Cons should we consider?
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