Thursday, June 23, 2011

Know Your Fiend!

When preparing for an event of apocalyptic proportions, you cannot help but be a little under prepared. Sorry: thus is the nature of preparing for an apocalypse: there will always be a number of unknown variables. Therefore, things are bound to be a bit fuzzy on the preparation front.

So what can you do?

Read. Watch movies. Inundate your delicately spicy gray matter with information and scenarios! Know your possible enemies.

Question: How does one kill a zombie? They're already dead!

Answer: Remove the head or destroy the brain. D’uh. Without a functioning control center that shambling husk of rotting flesh will stop shambling. And it will stop chomping. Be aware that if the brain is still intact, the head will still try to bite.

If you must burn the abominations, do it only after head removal or brain destroying. Zombies on fire will just cook you while they eat you.
Dracula (1931)

Q: How does one kill a vampire? Again, already dead. But they are less shambly and much cleverer.

A: There is some room for debate here. Not all vampire legends give the same advice. Removing the head should work. According to some traditions, a stake through the heart will work as well. Some think that direct sunlight will kill a vampire. Others think that this will make him shine as though he’s been attacked by a Bedazzler.

Most American movies claim that Holy Water or Eucharist wafers will also do the trick. Unfortunately, if you are dealing with a vampire that isn’t Christian those are just water and crackers that get all tacky in your mouth. Crosses fall into the same category as Holy Water and Eucharist. A cross is just a T symbol. Shouldn’t they work if you believe? Have you ever heard of a vampire being vanquished with a Star of David or a statue of Shiva? If you don’t believe in the vampire, is he going to go away? No. I didn’t think so.

Rather than risk your neck, stick to head removal. I suppose you could take one out with a Menorah. If the candles were lit. But at least for a little while, you’d end up with a flaming bloodsucker chasing yo’ ass.

Q: I have a Swamp Monster terrorizing my neighborhood. What should I do?

A: Swamp Monsters are messy. They leave a trail of slime and grime wherever they go. You would think this would make them easy to find, but they are swamp monsters: they live in, around, or near swampy (or occasionally marshy) areas. Some have even adapted to living in sewers and storm drains.

If you can determine what the head is, remove it. If the monster looks more or less the same at both ends, you could take a chance and whack what might be the head. But if you are wrong, this is just going to further piss it off.

Your best bet is to lure it into a large heat source that can be locked down. Look for kilns or other large, industrial sized ovens, to trap the beast in. Smoke Houses, such as used to cure salmon, will work as well. Swamp Monsters need to stay damp. Trapping them in kilns and turning the heat up will dry them out thus rendering them harmless.

Keep your monster jerky in a well-protected waterproof container. You do not want to inadvertently reconstitute it.

Q: My brother was bitten by a zombie. He’s not showing any symptoms, but I’m concerned that he might be about to join Satan’s Army. What should I do?

A: Kill him. You’ll feel better.

Frankenstein (1931)
Q: I have a Frankenstein in my backyard. What should I do?

A: First, you’ll need to be a bit clearer. Do you have Dr. Frankenstein, the scientist, in your backyard? Or, are you looking at his monster?

Q: Er…the monster.

A: Ah, count yourself lucky. The doctor lacks in scruples: he robbed graves and disinterred people from their final resting places so that he could commit hubris by playing God.

Carefully, so as not to frighten him, open the door and call to the monster. His name his Adam (again with the hubris!). He’s actually quite gentle. He speaks well, is hard working, and widely read. Also, he’s self-taught.

He is fairly grotesque looking since he was sewn together from the parts of several deceased men. Some of them had been long gone when the good doctor dug them up and hacked off their limbs.

Whatever journey it took for him to get to your backyard, I’m sure it was long and arduous considering where he was last seen in Mary Shelly’s novel. Invite him in and offer him some refreshments.

Q: Small balls of fur with razor sharp teeth have invaded my town. We are currently in the middle of a siege situation. What can we do?

A: Make sure that any vents or windows are blocked up. With the size of those chompers, this won’t stop them for long, but it will slow them down. Work with the alien bounty hunters; they have futuristic fur-ball fighting equipment. Also, if you have explosives and rifles, you stand a chance of surviving.

What other monsters might you need to defeat? Ask about them in the comments!

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