Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dear Santa...

December 2012 is about to descend upon us with its holiday merriment and, from what I've heard, the End of the World. Whether you believe the Believers or the Scientists, this is the perfect opportunity to ask other people to help you build your survival arsenal!

This year when friends and relatives ask what you would like for Chanukah, Solstice, Christmas, Kwanza, tell them you would like something that will help you save mankind.

Firing Lessons

Everyone knows that when the world in chaos someone is going to have to wrestle a madman to the ground, take his gun away from him, and hold him at gun point. If this task falls to you, firing lessons will make damn sure you know how to aim and fire a gun. Otherwise, you'll be like villains fighting George Reeves' Superman.

Metal Working Lessons

Death Angel Mushrooms from Grub Street San Francisco
In the bleak future, if there is one, knowing how to bend metal to your will is going to make life much easier. Imagine trying to figure out how to cast a mold, melt the metal, and pour it into the mold with some kind of shop class. I doubt any of us wants to end up like Johnny Tremain.

Kickboxing Lessons

Who doesn't want to build muscles, learn how to throw punches properly, and perfect her roundhouse kick? Earn that Self-Rescuing Princess shirt!

Archery Lessons

If we are being honest and facing facts, we have to admit that guns are complicated pieces of machinery that most of us will not be able to recreate. What's more, even if we have guns galore, ammo is finite. Archery lessons will be invaluable once the bullets are gone. That deer that would feed a family for a month isn't going to lie down on the table.

Gardening and Botany Classes

Diets have to consist of more than meat, but growing vegetables is not easy. Yes, I know, plant the seeds, water the seeds, then they grow sounds simple, but there are variables. If you plant carrots but weeds are choking them out, how do you tell which green leafy things in the garden should be yanked?

There will be a time before your garden grows: botany classes will ensure that you know the difference between the safe mushrooms and the poisonous ones.

First Aid & CPR Courses

If the world is blowing up, having a handle on how to treat and dress wounds will be invaluable. Knowing how to clean a wound without destroying the new cells that are trying to grow will save lives.

Honestly, I like a good Doomsday theory as much as the next chick in thick rimmed glasses, but I'm with the scientists on this one. After all, our calendar ends every year and nothing horrible happens (not counting glowing balls falling from the sky, Ryan Seacrest, and horrendous hangovers).

Follow me on Twitter: @Anypocalypse

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