Thursday, May 5, 2011

Take Ol' Yeller Out Back

When a friend or confidant falls in the heat of battle, properly dispatching her can be a vicious challenge. A vortex of dark emotions swirls around you drowning you in your own humanity. Meanwhile, back on the physical plane, outside of your head, Grandma shambles toward you her lips pursed as though for a wet kiss on the forehead. As she exhales the last breath she drew while alive, she moans, “braaaiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssssssssssssssssssssss.”

Get a grip on yourself! Are you really going to let Gran eat your brains (and whatever other fleshy bits get in the way) just because she could always be counted upon to have lint covered mints in her purse? She was your elder. She was your grandmother. Now, she is an ancestor .

The Granny (1995, WarnerVision Films)
She’s a Zed whose one remaining flicker of humanity is telling her to put on a bib so that she doesn’t get your brain juice on her blouse.

Respect the woman she was. Waste the monster she has become. Will it be difficult? Yes, of course. After all, she looks the same. She is wearing the outfit she was wearing when she died five minutes ago. Her hair is a mess, but it’s Noona: her hair is always a bit out of place, isn’t it?

No, it always was a bit out of place. The thing you face is not your grandmother.

You need to stop thinking of her in the present tense. I understand the need to grieve and come to grips with your loss. However, you need to understand that if you don’t shift your perspective on Noona real quick you too will be a moaning, shambling meat pile. And that is not a cute look.

Brace yourself. This is going to be difficult. Really difficult. This may take most of your Emotional Reserves.

Take the bitch out. Sorry, but the meat pile formerly known as Noona is now the enemy. Dispatch her as dispassionately as possible.

If you can, keep her corpse until you can give her a proper burial. I know, it sounds morbid and gross, but you do need to grieve. You need closure. Were this not an apocalyptic nightmare, she would be embalmed, dressed, and put on display. Loved ones, friends, and acquaintances would come to you and shake your hand or hug you. They would say kind words and try to diminish your pain.

Your numbers may be few, but your intrepid survivors will try to comfort you (after Noona is no longer a threat). Hold a small and simple sending off service for Gran. Funerals are as much about those left behind as they are about the deceased – perhaps even more so.

What are some other ways to cope with killing your undead grandma? Tell us in the comments!

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  1. I hope that, if it were to happen to me, my loved ones wiould do the right thing and destroy the zombie that was me quickly and efficiently. In fact, I've asked my loved ones to do so as soon as the zombification begins. I would proudly do the same for them.
    I'd destroy the zombie that was Grandma without hesitation. I'd focus what little grief I had into more energy for zombie-killin.

  2. I agree. I would want my zombie-ass destroyed before I could terrorize my loved ones. However, being such a good survivalista means not being on that end of the shotgun.